Sasuke's Got 'Em Whipped
by Atra Aduro
Summary: After Sasuke betrays Konoha, Kakashi, Naruto and Sakura decide to drown their problems in alcohol. One thing leads to another, and soon they're fighting over the angsty teen. Crack oneshot. SasuNaru, KakaSasu, & SakuSasu


(A/N:)

Hi, this is my first published fic written solely by me. Its very random, and very perverted. Beware: Yaoi pairings ahead.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Hidan would…well, let's levae that to okay?

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The remainders of Team 7, that is, Kaskashi, Naruto, and Sakura, were all sitting in a bar, each moping over the loss of Sasuke. Sakura and Naruto had been given fake I.D.s by Kakashi, which was quite stupid, as any qualified shinobi was allowed to drink in Konohakagure. Still, it made them feel special. Since everyone's favorite emo had left to go be molested, they _really_ needed to feel special. Really.

So, Kakashi was sitting at the bar, to the left of Naruto, reading the newest book of the Icha Icha (1) series and drinking sake. He wasn't actually reading, it, though. He was thinking about his former pupil. Comparing him to Obito, is more like it. They both had the same hair…the same eyes…the same skin tone…the same noise they made when he… Whoops. Too much information. He shouldn't be thinking about this now, with Sasuke fresh out of Konoha. Really, he shouldn't be thinking about it at all, but that didn't stop him and the raven last Halloween, now, did it? Ah, again with the private information. He really needed to get some kind of mind block. Maybe Tsunade would give agree to give him one if he claimed temporary insanity?

Meanwhile, Sakura, who was on Naruto's right, was staring down at her seventeenth shot of whiskey. Normally, she was too mature, too responsible to drink. Plus, it was really fun to watch her team get trashed. Now, however, she decided that she just needed to make the thoughts of Sasuke leave her be. It wasn't really working, though, just making her more depressed. Of course, she was wasted herself, and didn't realize this, so she kept ordering drinks to, ah, 'ease the pain'. The kunoichi was thinking about how Sasuke had never loved her, never even talked to her, really. Well, to be honest, he did tell her whenever she just kinda stood there on missions. Compared her to Naruto , sometimes. Oh, and there was that one time when he must have been looking at her butt, because he told her she had sat in dog shit at their last rest stop!! Smiling now, convinced that she had found proof of their everlasting love for each other, Sakura downed her thirty-ninth shot.

Naruto, squished in between his two team mates, was surprisingly not drinking alcohol. He preferred to wallow in his own misery, as opposed to an artificial substitute. Besides, her was beginning to understand why Sakura always stayed sober. Kakashi had just burst out sobbing, saying he was sorry that Sasuke had been crushed by a rock and how he wished it and been him, and was wiping his tears with pages of Icha Icha. Sakura had just grabbed the salt shaker and was trying to drink it. Really, it was actually quite entertaining. He felt the corners of his mouth lift up in a smirk, then realized how Sasuke-like that would be. He missed Sasuke. He was his best friend, after all. His brother. His rival. And you know what they say, it's a thin line between love and hate…Suddenly deciding that, hey, maybe alcohol could cure his depression, Naruto signaled for the bartender to give him his usual, a margarita with a pretty little umbrella sticking out of it.

An hour later, the trio were involved in a slurred game of 'I've never'. (2) Kakashi, who had just taken a shot of rum, announcing that he had in fact once rode a bicycle while wearing a tutu on a full moon, was thinking of something to say. What had he never done…There really wasn't that much left for him to do before he died, so it was difficult thinking of something to say. Finally, inspiration struck. "I've never…imagined Neji and Haku having hot gay sex on a sunny Californian beach." He looked around smugly, thinking that he had said something none of them had ever done, and thus winning the game. To the jounin's surprise, however, both of his disciples took a shot and chugged it. My God, who knew he had taught such…such…perverts!!

"Really Kaka, you shouldn't be so surprised…you read those icky wicky books every day, how could we not have been corrupted?" Said Naruto, gazing blearily at his sensei.

"Oh! Oh!! Its my turn now!!" Sakura gloated. Hmmm…she had to think of something that neither of them had ever done…that none of them had ever done…she really wanted to win…she hadn't won anything since that carnival back when she was five, and she got a goldfish…but Sparky died three days later…so she really didn't win…

"I know!!!" She happily blared, " I've never done the nasty with Sasuke!!"

Both of her drinking companions turned red at this and started stuttering about leaving the dryer on, needing to wash their car, or, in Kakashi's case, forgetting the map that led back home and needing to go home to find it. Sakura stared at them. They couldn't be serious…right? She laughed nervously, "Okay guys, you have to play the game. Finish this round and then we can all go home, okay?" Both men stopped grumbling and, realizing this was the quickest way to get home, quickly drank their shots. What they didn't count on, however, was the drunken jealousy.

"KAKASHI SENSEI!!!" Naruto screeched, " DON'T LIE!! SASUKE WOULD NEVER…NOT WITH YOU!!"

" NARUTO!!" Sakura shrieked, " LIKE SASUKE IS GAY!! GET OVER THAT KISS!"

" SAKURA!!" Kakashi shouted, "You're still a virgin, then?"

Sakura blushed and started some incomprehensible sentence that never got finished, as halfway through it, she decided a better waste of her time would be to lunge across the table and throttle them both. So that's what she did. She didn't realize that she was the weakest out of the three, and was soon pinned to the ground. She broke free and there was a whirl of slapping, biting, kicking, and hair-pulling.

This funfest was soon interrupted by a tall, muscular man with dark brown hair and eyes of the same hue. He walked over to their table and, with surprising agility, separated the three. Sakura twitched. His foot was on her abnormally large forehead, holding her away from the others. The man opened his mouth and spoke in a deep, musical voice. "Excuse me, but are you talking about Uchiha Sasuke? Because he and I have had a long-term relationship for several months now, and we're quite intimate. Do you want pictures to prove it?" The three, obviously not believing this imposter, nodded.

The man, satisfied that they would no longer attack each other, released them and took out his wallet. He sat down and looked expectantly at the other three. There was a slight scramble for seats, which ended up with a disgruntled Sakura sitting furthest away from the man. The man opened his wallet and took out a small stack of photos.

Kakashi immediately lifted his headband to copy the scenes with his Sharingan, permanently engraving them in his memory. It was better than Icha Icha. Way better.

Naruto's jaw dropped open in shock. Who even knew that Sasuke was that flexible? Seriously, the two of them had tried out some pretty weird stuff ( he'd never forget the time wit the cactus…) but he'd never even imagined this stuff was possible!

Sakura just kinda…died. Her heart, already pushed to the limit, just keeled over. No one noticed, and she was left on the dirty bar floor for three weeks until Akamaru tried to eat her, and Kiba told the janitor to get rid of her.

* * *

Five minutes later…

Sasuke stood on a hill overlooking the village. He dropped the henge no jutsu (3) and smirked in the direction of the bar.

Really, he had learned something from Sakura after all.

Being sober while the rest of your team was drunk really _was_ fun.

* * *

– The 'adult' novels Kakashi read, translated into roughly 'Makeout Paradise'.

– A drinking game where one person says something they've never done, and if anyone else has done it, they must take a shot of alcohol. Quite funny.

– Translation: Transformation Jutsu

Well, that's it.

Reviews are loved, and reviewers will get a cookie.


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